Nomads
by EazyHB
Summary: Small series of semi-funny one shot that feature three Pulsians living in Cocoon Fang, Vanille, and OC
1. Chapter 1

**I am a 'seasoned' Mass Effect comedy writer(my non comedy is shit). This is my first one shot and to make it worst I'm using an OC that none of you guys know.**  
**Tips: I'm not a detailed writer**  
**I make racist and sexual jokes**

* * *

Fang walked down the stairs of their two story house in Cocoon. "Ok I got 20 mins before I leave, you wanted to show me something?"

Arkid just noticed what she said after staring at the tv for a good 5 seconds "Oh yeah... Smoke with me" he said waving her to come close to him.

"No. I'm done trying to join you in anything" Fang said putting a scarf on to go with her jeans and jacket.

"Vanilles doing it with me. Why not you?" Arkid said waving the pot all around the place

"Vanille your 16. Seriously, you keep doing this your going to end up like him" she said pointing at high as kite Arkid

"Yeah like me. A rich ass bounty hunter with two bitchy friends to watch over until everything in Pulse is alright" He said cockily with his pot at the edge of his mouth.

Fang slapped him upside his head and caused him to drop his weed on the floor and break apart.

"You know how hard it is to find grass in a country with 15% grass" he said falling back into the couch not worrying about picking it up.

"Where are you going anyway?" he said while pulling out an old fashion cocoon cigarette and lighting it up.

"I'm meeting someone" She said getting closer to the door knowing exactly what Arkid is going to say

"That pink haired chick you wanna eat out? Who names their kid ligh- I need food" he stopped and got up to make a sandwich.

Vanille started talking "What are you two going to do?" she said with smoke still flowing out of her mouth.

"She wanted to show me the museum, something about Georgia O Keef" She said as she sat on the couch Arkid was once sitting on.

"If your going to a museum why are you dressed like your going to a party? I'm not your dad or anything just tell us" he said noticing Fang's punk attire.

"Go back to your sandwich. I hope you get fucked in a back alley by a wolf" Fang said back not even thinking of what she said

"nice one. You suck ass at making me feel bad though. Remember if you want the D all you need is me"

Vanille was not happy with that comment "Too far"

"Shouldn't you be in school anyway?" Ark said trying to get her to shutup

"It's a wee-" She said until a knock on the front door was heard.

Fang looked through the peephole and immediately opened the door.

It was lightning of course, they hugged and Fang gestured her to enter "Hey Ark. Vanille. You two doing good?"

"So good im letting Fang bring people I don't know in the house" he said walking to shake her hand

"Sorry I'm Lightning" she said extending her hand.

"Now tell me your real name" he said wondering who in the hell would call theyreself Lightning.

"Thats going to far" she said finally releasing her hand from that long handshake.

"Anyway Fang talks about you a lot and she wasn't lying... You do have fucking pink hair" he said shocked by the choice of hai color "Well goodbye, have fun looking at art and shit" he said falling back into the couch

"Oh we're not going to the museum" Fang said nervously

"What!? Get the fuck outta here!" Vanille shouted. Vanille has had enough with Fang ever since she poured her toothbrush in the toilet for fun

"Vanille!" Ark shouted in dissapointment "Good job. Now you two vacate" he said calmly while putting the cigarette back in his mouth

"Lightning wants to stay over" Fang said trying to fight for her right

"Yall cant fuck at her house or a motel or something? I will buy you a motel" he asked desperately getting his fat wallet out.

"She's not really here for that, her parents are having some trouble and she wanted a place to sleep sleep" Fang said while walking up the stairs

"Ok. But... If yall are gonna do something wear condoms" he said jokingly just because he loved fucking with Fang than anything else in the world.

Fang andLight both went upstairs which just left Vanille and Arkid in the living in the middle of a Saturday.

"Wait... Lesbians have to use condoms too?"

* * *

**Should I stop or make another set of stupid dialogue I thought of while listening to 2 Chainz**


	2. Chapter 2

**It's nice to provide my two readers with a new chapter of this shit**

* * *

"I got nothing to do this weekend" Fang whined as she was eating an apple on the couch

"Go hunt" Vanille replied lazily while sitting upside down on the couch while watching 'Real Houswives of Bodum'

"Were living in a country that has gotten rid of most wild animals, where am I going to hunt?" She replied frustrated at Vanilles stupidity

"You can go hunting with me" Arkid said walking downstairs with a beer in his hand

"Animal?"

"Human hunting. Bounty Hunting. Turns out a few cops here follow the bounty hunt system here too"

"Um no. I don't kill people, I kill animals that's it" she jumping off the couch

"You don't have to kill anything, you can be my lookout" he said throwing her a beer

She barely caught it "tell me next time"

Three bottles of beer later

"Let's Do This" She drunkenly shouted

Arkid led her to the car outside "Make sure to watch the dog vanilla" Ark shouted to Vanille

"My name ain't Vanilla and we don't have a dog" she shouted back

After a three hour drunken drive they made it to a pretty poor neighborhood

Fang was asleep in the car while Arkid finally sobered up "Wake up. We're here"

He pulled out a long piece of paper "See this" she nodded "This is a list of low to high bounties and were after the lowest one"

"why don't we get the highest one?"

"Because everyone wants the one that's worth 10,000,000 Gil. It becomes a huge free for all"

It was an akward silence for ten minutes as they stayed inside the car looking at the mans house "When are we gonna kill him?"

"We can't just bust inside his house we gotta make sure it's him before something crazy happens"

"So... What did he do to deserve a 4,535 Gil bounty?"

"The paper said he stole from two jewelry stores and injured a pregnant women. That's pretty odd for a bounty but it doesn't matter" he said throwing the paper into the back seat

A hour later Fang is playing with her hands "Why can't we just knock at his door?"

"I'm never trying that again. Tried that and was greeted with a bullet to my arm. It was a dumb mistake" he said showing his wound

The mans door opened it and who walked out was a 23 your old white man with a bat in his hand

"Is that him?"

"Yes" Arkid said getting out of his car. He walked to the man very swiftly.

The man with the bounty was looking very worried "You want something?" he asked drowsily. Arkid took out his pistol and shot the man I the ankle

Arkid picked up the screaming, cursing, and crying man and stuffed him in the back seat without even restraining with anything.

Fang's mouth was opened the whole wondering what just happened. Arkid got back in the driver seat.

"Did. You. Just. Shoot. Someone." She said breathily getting her words out like the crippled black kid from Malcolm in the middle

"Yeah. What did you think I was gonna do?"

After they brought the man back to the sherif Arkid was rewarded "You didn't kill someone this time. Nice" the sherif said happy

"Yeah I had my friend with me this time so I didn't want to mentally scar her or anything"

After they left the police station they both entered the car at 9:46pm

Ark was counting all the money casually "You going to share any of that?" She blurted

He threw her a 1,000 "I will pay you an extra 1,000 if you get the blood off my seats"

Blood was shed. Weekend wasn't so boring. Fang got a 1,000 for doing nothing and just complaining

Moral of the story: Dont steal and stay in school

* * *

**Wow. There will be more jokes and less blood next chapter**

**I would like to accept new ideas for adventure or things they could talk about**


	3. Chapter 3

This may not be a popular series but I'm using it as a fallback series like Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies

* * *

Arkid burst through the front door "I bought an Xbox One guys! This shit gonna awesome!"

"So awesome you can't say your words right" Vanille said while chopping strawberries. "I don't need to say my words right, cause I got an Xbox One bitch"

"Your the only one in the house that plays that video game bullshit" Vanille replied not excited for him at all

* * *

After 20 mins of setting it up

"Im so fucking excited"he said almost breaking his face with his smile.

Soon as the intro popped up an error appeared on the screen and Arkin's smile disappeared like his dick in cold water

'Error 54  
Your system seems to not connected to the internet therefore you spent 500gil on a black brick'

Arkid threw the stupid looking controller across the room "I haven't payed the internet bill in 2 years. Fuck!" He said walking up stairs to find his last bills that were mailed. Soon as he was approaching his room he stopped.

He hears talking and it isn't just Fang, Ark doesn't remember seeing a car at the driveway, he puts his ear to the door and hears "So... How much and you won't tell your sister?"

"250"

"That's a lo-"

Before she can finish her sentence Ark opened his door calmly "Fang. Just tell me why there is a Lightning look a like here?"

The look a like answered "Me and her wer-"

"I don't remember asking you a god damn thing" He said pointing at this underage looking girl "Fang I try not to care about who you're fucking but this is wrong, Why didn't you call me we could of had a threesome"

"We weren't fucking or anything she snuck out of Lightnings house and we just talked in here"

"Why were you about to pay her?"

"She told me some stuff about lightning that know one should know, like did you now she sleeps with a plush adamantoise that she calls 'Fang'?"

"No I did not and goodbye" He said leaving and finally heading to his room, he finally found the last internet bill received '1,430gil' "How in the fuck do I owe this much"

He ran down stairs, repackaged the ShitBox One, and drove all the way to GameStop. He put the box on the counter and the young looking employee with white hair and a goatee "Sorry, gamestop has a no console return policy, but you can put 5 down on your preorder of Call of Duty Ghost to unlock sprinting"

"Gamestop on some fuck shit, ok... Hope I'm going to give you my big black piece of shit and you give back my small green piece of shit, it's a win win and now one leaves with a broken hand"

"Was that a threat Sir?" Hope asked calmly

"Hope I can look in your eyes and tell you're 24, don't ever get pussy, spend all night playing video games, and has never had anyone point a gun at them"

Hope knew it was all true except the gun part. "So I'm going to give you fi-yiyiyiyi" Arkid couldn't finish his sentence after getting tased and having his body locked up in position

Moral of the story: Be a pc gamer and this won't happen

* * *

AN: I was originally going to make that Fang scene way different to the point where Arkid sees her fucking Lil B(based god) but i figured know one would get the joke so I just took it out

Bitch


	4. Chapter 4

I think I should stop, this story is getting out of hand

* * *

"I'm tired of that punk rock chick always coming to my house, waste my water, waste my electricity, eat my food, and eat you"

"But- but the sex man and she's fun to have around" Fang replied trying to make sense of having Lightning show up everyday

"By fun you mean expensive, she has barged in my house more than Urkel does the Winslows" Arkid said back not so happy about her care free nature

"She's showing up to day and there's nothing you can do about it... Bitch" then she sat on the couch

Arkid went upstairs to just talk to someone that isn't mad about a relationship, he knocks on Vanille's door "I'm kinda busy right now" she said on the otherside of the door. He opened the door and wasn't shocked to find her masturbating to porn on her laptop.

"Hey Vanille do you think I'm a cool pretend brother?" Arkid asked hoping to get Fang off his mind. She was still masturbating "... Are you going to keep jilling off or are you going to answer me?"

She didn't stop she just slowed down "You are cool, when you're not killing people. It worries us sometimes". He guess he felt a little better "Thanks..." He started to really look at her "... Can I join?"

"You're trying to be my brother but now you wanna fuck me?" Vanille asked shocked he would try it. "You know I walked in on you masturbating so many times and I thought 'Damn I can't till she legal'"

"What the fuck?"

"You want to or not?"

She gave up "Sure"

* * *

"Fang I gotta tell you something" Lightning said to Fang on the couch, "What?" She asked happily

"Im going to join the army"

"... Say again"

"Im joining the guardian corps"

"Like an office job?"

"No. Front line"

Fangs smile disappeared like a Chris Rock's money "The fuck is wrong with you?" She yelled

"I- I just want to join to help my sister go to college"

"Bitch, Arkid works like a frontline soldier and he was ripped but when the stress of the job hit him he became 122 pounds like he is now, and why don't you just ask me or him he has money coming out of his ass from his 'Job'" Fang made sense of it all

"I don't trust him that much Serah came home and told me that he tried to fuck her"

"He's just joking he would never have sex with her, me, you, or Vanille" Fang said trying to protect Arkid

Bed rocking and moaning was heard "Um is that-"

"Nah Vanille just masturbates alot" Fang explained

"But Arkid isn't in the living room like he always is" Lightning started making sense and Fang just has to know "I'll be right back" She went upstairs and opened the door swiftly, she saw Vanille on top of Arkid they looked at Fang and kept going "You going to just stare or you joining?"

After Fang broke out of her shocked state and ran downstairs "Bloody fucking hell I need eye bleach"

"What did you see?" Lightning asked worriedly

"I just saw my sister riding Arkid, what I seen cannot be unseen. The worst part of it all is I saw him naked and his bones were visible through his whole body" Fang said while throwing water in her face

"So... Will he pay for Serah?" Lightning asked

They heard the two upstairs one last time "We are never doing that again"

"Fuck you and your accent"

"Fuck you and your boney ass"

Moral of the story:  
If you get the chance to fuck your friends do it


End file.
